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Rebellion is a knot of the heart, not of the mind. The key is to make
deposits — constant deposits of unconditional love. I once had a friend
who was dean of a very prestigious school. He planned and saved for
years to provide his son the opportunity to attend that institution, but
when the time came, the boy refused to go. This deeply concerned his
father. Graduating from that particular school would have been a great
asset to the boy. Besides, it was a family tradition. Three generations
of attendance preceded the boy. The father pleaded and urged and talked.
He also tried to listen to the boy to understand him, all the while
hoping that the son would change his mind. The subtle message being
communicated was one of conditional love. The son felt that in a sense
the father’s desire for him to attend the school outweighed the value he
placed on him as a person and as a son, which was terribly threatening.
Consequently, he fought for and with his own identity and integrity,
and he increased his resolve and his efforts to rationalize his decision
not to go.